The revamped Champions League and Uefa confusion

How to describe the results of the inaugural draw of the “Swiss system” Big Cup? Big Website’s Niall McVeigh summed it up best in his liveblog post from 6.07pm on Thursday: “Girona will play Liverpool (H), PSG (A), Arsenal (H), Milan (A), Feyenoord (H), PSV (A), Slovan Bratislava (H), Sturm Graz (A). It feels like I’ve written Slovan Bratislava about 300 times.” To drill down further, each team plays eight matches, four at home, four away, but nobody plays each other home and away. However, they will almost certainly face Slovan Bratislava. Why? More games, more TV money, stupid. This ain’t no group stage, it’s the regular season.
After years of complaining, and the tinfoil lickers questioning the algorithms of the computer that coughs out fixtures, despite Uefa wonks’ claim that Deep Thought can survive any cyberattack – just don’t lower the forcefield for betting or bongo – we’ll probably get used to it. The actual problem is too much football all the time, despite the dopamine receptors needing the hit of knowing that someone, somewhere is showing Slovan Bratislava versus Dinamo Zagreb. Arsenal fans will just have to get used to those annual trips to see their team gubbed in Munich.
It’s always a worry when the suits go showbiz, showbiz, showbiz. Even worse when they discover irony. So when Uefa decided to own the utter silliness of the most pointless trans-continental round-robin since Henry Kelly read out his final Going for Gold autocue, a high-concept video was developed. Using a CBS production team, the fourth wall was broken by some major stars pretending to be confused. Gigi Buffon leads the way, a gurning Robbie Keane confirms he was never likely to be a Paul Mescal, and Kate Abdo, shorn of Thierry Henry, Jamie Carragher and Micah Richards, shows off her am-dram skills.
To the rescue? Chief suit Aleksander Ceferin, looking rather like Robert Carlyle in a high-tempo thriller in which no one is innocent, is cast as the man to bring sense to the situation. Someone’s clearly been looking at Gianni Infantino’s ventures behind the celebrity curtain and wanting a piece of the action. Where’s Ceferin’s Salt Bae? Why doesn’t Tom Cruise answer his calls? Will this help his chances of re-election, even though he’s said he won’t be standing? Of course, every leading man needs a sidekick to bounce off, and Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the Hollywood years clearly rubbing off, carries the show home before leaving “Mr President” as victor of a frankly negligible caper. Though perhaps one question can be raised here: is Big Zlat eyeing Ceferin’s job? That cannot be ruled out.
Follow the moves – and b@ntz – on deadline day with out team of writers all the way through to 11pm BST, when the transfer window slams shut, baby!
Send letters to [email protected]. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Mike Slattery. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.